you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
