the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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