I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
