Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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