Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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