why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
