dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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