thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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