Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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