Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
