Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
