Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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