I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
