yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar