Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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