Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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