Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
