Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
COCAINE IS GR8
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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