i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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