So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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