I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
