so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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