Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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