Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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