And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
