so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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