I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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