did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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