Screwed.edu
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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