His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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