I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
