i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So vagazzling was a success
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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