Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
