We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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