LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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