so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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