was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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