I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
