I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
