I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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