You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
