I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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