No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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