so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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