dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
