Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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