even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
