can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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