Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
