On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
