I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
