this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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