I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
