I wannas sexs uuuuu
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
