I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
